Redefining Myself
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This is not a newly discovered topic.
However, I will admit. My recent revelation of the matter fit the timeline I was going to write about this.
Lana Del Rey and Elizabeth Grant are not the same. One a person, the other a persona. Her stage identity. So watching her be vilified for slowly shedding this image she created to just be Lizzy, is disheartening. The same way Norma Jean made Marilyn. As humans, were not limited or even one-dimensional. We change. Our taste changes, you are allowed to change. So to see everyone pick apart a sober woman, one who is choosing health in all spheres and no longer wishes to embrace youth with a hard grip and is evolving to see the reality she sings. From being the prized young beauty to feeling she annoys all with her existence despite still being youthful and full of meaning. I cannot help but revel in my own changes.
“Who I am, who I want to be. All different but still me. ”
I thought life would get better in 2020. I haven’t liked myself since. I know what I would like. My image of who I wish to be has never changed. I still doubt my ability to create Marlone. I still like her more than just Vittoria. In My Story when Marilyn Monroe explains she just admired “her” in the mirror. Her image, her glamour, her beauty. I understood. I rarely feeling it but in those moments I see a glimpse of the better me I never want to let her go. I want to be her all the time. When I am just myself I’m embarrassed, self-conscious, and miserable.
I LIKE WHAT I LIKE
I work pretty hard. It’s mostly mental work. But I extrude a lot of physical labor burning my body into the ground trying to fit a mold that others in the atmosphere I want to be a part of are in. Like Part of that World I fantasize about everything going my way. For once, I win. I think about Brennan Frasier and how he worked himself so hard to fit a physique and do all his stunts. It’s similar. I am in pain but I can’t stop, I’ll only wallow my sorrow. I want the ranch. The companion farm animals. Maybe I fall in love, I guess children wouldn’t hurt if I and my partner felt that calling. I don’t want excess. Just mental soundness and the ability for what I desire. That is fulfillment and contentment. Definitely not a lawyer or attorney, but for sure has her JD and passed the bar. Maybe I get that MFA, even if I don’t the EGOT has my name on it so it’s still worth it’s worldly value.
Will I lose everyone? Will I be at the pinnacle of success? A first. The only. But will I be alone. Will I still be sad? Insecure. Will I get everything I dream of now and disapprovingly want more? Does the look, the home, the car, the job, the degrees, the animals… bring me peace? Surely it can’t be worse than now. I am in probably the worst form I’ve ever been in. There surely cannot be a worse like than present?
Like Lana, I hope to find my peace. My medium. Like Lana, I am sure the complaints, anger, and vitriol will be present. Like Lana, I hope accepting and redefining who I am is worth it.
